Have you ever wondered how psychology and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu can come together to change lives? In this inspiring video, Ernest Ellender shares his heart-led journey, blending his family’s legacy of community service with his dual passions for therapy and martial arts. He opens up about the challenges of pursuing passions in a small community with deep-rooted stigmas around therapy. Ernest’s story of overcoming intergenerational trauma and the importance of business acumen in sustaining passion projects is a powerful reminder of how heart-led businesses can spark meaningful change.
🎧Ready for the full story? Listen to the episode now and get inspired to create your own heart-led transformation!
Key Takeaways from this Episode
- The definition and importance of a heart-led business
- The influence of family and community service on professional paths
- The transformative power of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and psychology
- Overcoming the stigma of therapy in small communities
- The journey from passion to profession: balancing martial arts and psychology
- The impact of intergenerational trauma and healing
About the Guest
Ernest Ellender, PhD, a South Louisiana native, blends his bayou roots with 20+ years of expertise in psychology, life coaching, and martial arts. As the author of This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods and founder of a 17-year-strong martial arts school, he empowers others to heal, grow, and thrive.
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Explore the Dialogue’s Treasures: Unearth the insights within! Delve into the profound wisdom woven throughout our conversation.
Speaker: 0:01
Welcome to the Heart-Led Business Show, where compassion meets commerce and leaders lead with love. Join your host, Tom Jackobs, as he delves into the insightful conversations with visionary business leaders who defy the status quo, putting humanity first and profit second. From heartfelt strategies to inspiring stories, this podcast is your compass in the world of conscious capitalism. So buckle up and let’s go. Let your heart guide your business journey.
Tom: 0:35
Here comes the captivating Cajun himself. Ernest Ellen raised in the realms of Louisiana’s bayou and beaches. He’s found a fine balance between karate chops and chummy chats as a martial arts guru and psychotherapy pro. Now on his 16th year of empowering with elegance. Ernest etched a path in parchment, sharing his wisdom worldwide. And today we dive deep into the depths of his heart-led hustle here on the Heart-Led Business Show. So get ready for an enlightening excursion. Welcome to the show, Ernest.
Ernest Ellender: 1:06
Thank you very much. That was a wonderful introduction. I appreciate you inviting me here.
Tom: 1:10
Not a problem. Really happy to have this conversation with you. I know it’s going to serve our listeners really well. But you know, I always like to ask the first question, what’s your definition of a heart-led business?
Ernest Ellender: 1:21
It took me a minute to come up with definition for that because my business sense has trailed my desire to be heart-led for decades. So I’m still catching up on the business savvy part of it. But I would say my definition would be a business in which the primary focus is on improving our society by directly serving community members. And then the secondary focus on making sure that we’re duly compensated for those efforts.
Tom: 1:44
That’s good. That and I like the fact that the primary focus is on serving others and that you brought in the secondary purpose is actually making a profit as well and serving yourself. I think a lot of. heart-led business owners don’t take the flight attendant’s advice. They don’t put the oxygen mask on first before helping other people. And you know, that can lead to some problems in the business side.
Ernest Ellender: 2:06
It has, that’s what I’ve learned along the way. Yeah.
Tom: 2:09
So tell us a little bit about your journey and your business and what inspired you to create a heart-led business?
Ernest Ellender: 2:15
Let’s see what inspired me. A number of things, one is just a family focus intergenerationally of serving the community. My grandfather was a doctor here in Houma, it’s a small town here and he became a doctor like the year before the Great Depression. So, he essentially served an underserved population for decades before he was compensated much for anything. And he was just viewed as a very core member of society here, you know. And so, we kind of revered him for his contributions to this area.
Tom: 2:42
How big of a parish is it? Sorry.
Ernest Ellender: 2:45
Let’s see, I mean, right now my the town of Homer is about in the local areas of maybe 35 to 50 thousand depending on how you rate it. So it’s grown a lot since way back then. Back then half that. But for example, for I think it was like for two years, it was him and his cousin were the only two doctors in town. So those two doctors birthed over a thousand babies in one year.
Tom: 3:04
Oh my and they’re GPs, right?
Ernest Ellender: 3:05
Correct, in addition to all the other doctoring they did. When you do the numbers, I’m like, I don’t understand that, he had to be an absolute workaholic, not because he wanted to, but because that was the need of the population. And he did his duty. Now they were raised, they were very Catholic and that’s how I was raised. So there was the consistent messaging of we do our duty to the community to serve other people. And so even after like in college, I moved away from any specific religion. But the desire or the normalcy of devoting one’s life to serving the population, serving the community remained like this gold standard, this idea that was just very attractive to me. That’s what I wanted to do. And I’m kind of an all or nothing guy. So when that’s the case, I really just focused on that. I really wanted to. The only decent decision I made, I think concerning finances was in my undergraduate years. I was in English and because I love the characters. I love the richness of the literary characters. And I love dealing people. I just love the interactions with people. I like a small intimate setting where I get to really communicate and get to know somebody and that’s what I love. And so I was like, okay, English, but then I said, you know, in Louisiana, we’re about 49th or 50th in the country of in education measures because teachers are just not compensated for the wonderful work that they do. So I said, well, I can’t be a teacher. And there’s, it’s always in my family to, to get the highest degree you’re going to get. And so I said, okay, well, what other type of business can I do? And when I got, came back from, I went to Boston college for one year and I came back to Louisiana. Down on myself, tail between my legs. I didn’t make it up there in the New York I’m sorry, the Boston area, New England area. And my parents offered me to go to a local therapist and I went to see him. And that experience of going to see him for about six months and just really rather quickly getting to the heart of what was going on for me and just making a few changes and acclimating and realigning my goals and everything. And towards the end of that, it just was a thought that sunk in my head like, wow, This is a job. This guy sits here all day, all week, all month, all year, and helps people, like, directly. Gets into their business, helps them, and then moves them along. I said, that’s pretty awesome. And so a few years later I started taking psychology classes with the thought that might be it, and it just led down that path. This is definitely.
Tom: 5:02
That’s great. And in that time, you know, that’s funny because like in high school for myself, Like I wanted to see a therapist and that was kind of taboo or not something that a lot of people did. And my parents were not like, not completely on board until I really pressed the issue is like, I really, I’m like, I’m going through some stuff right now. I need some help. And you guys aren’t like equipped to, and which I think was kind of enlightened, but it was at the same for like when, and especially in Louisiana.
Ernest Ellender: 5:30
There were two things that really drove us in that direction that made it more comfortable for me. One was my family always it’s a yes sir, no sir society here where we revere people of authority like coach when they’d send me to the, you know, to swim practice and didn’t matter what coach was, how much he was torturing us. Mom and dad would just. That’s what coach said, do what coach says. You know, so to some there’s a deference to authority. So when you’re having mental health issues, you go see a professional. That’s, that was one consistent consult the professionals and give you some guidance. And then the second, when I was 10, my dad sober. He had, he was struggled with alcohol abuse and so now he’s, I’m 51 now, he’s 41 years sober, and at, at 10 years old is when he sobered. And we went to, to therapy as a family for a couple years around then. And so that was really my introduction was at that young age. And it was a positive thing. It brought the family together. At the end of every session we were walking out, you know, with a better understanding of just how codependence and those types of things work. And it was just a, it was a positive experience.
Tom: 6:24
Yeah. I mean, we’re about the same age. I’m a couple of years older than you are, but yeah, that for that time, that’s very enlightened. That’s that’s great.
Ernest Ellender: 6:32
Yeah, see, and now today I have, when some clients come in and they’re from, you know, so home is a mid-sized place, my, my hometown. And then we call it when you go down the bayou, because when you just drive on these roads that follow the bayou and you go down 10 minutes from here. If I go 10 minutes down the bayou, it’s like going about 30, 40, 50 years back in time. And there is still, so when clients come in with that, sometimes they come in very shy. Like, this therapy thing, there’s still that strong stigma out there. You know, it still exists there. And sometimes I forget. I’m like, Oh yeah, that’s right. You might be embarrassed about coming to therapy.
Tom: 7:02
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 7:02
Let’s just look at it, you know, if you’re gonna, if you have to go to court, it’s a good idea to hire an attorney, you know. If you got some sickness, it’s a good idea to hire a doctor, you know. So, yeah, if you have some mental health stuff or you have some struggle with your emotions, it might be a good idea to hire a, you know, a therapist or somebody who’s been trained in that kind of thing.
Tom: 7:17
Yeah. Well, that’s very cool. So, so after school, then what took you into private practice and doing your stuff?
Ernest Ellender: 7:23
Yeah, well, when I went out to California for graduate school, I got my doctorate in clinical psychology. It took me a total of eight years. I did seven years in California and another year in New York. And I tend to do everything rather obsessively. And when I got out to California, I realized that they have this martial art called Brazilian Jiu Jitsu out there. And I’d wanted to do it for about a decade. We just didn’t have it in Louisiana at the time. And so I immediately went and signed up and started training obsessively. So by the time I came back to Louisiana, I had my PhD in clinical psychology, plus a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. And after I was home for about a year, I got my black belt. So I really came back with two and, you know, the psychology one was, goes along with that, you know, my family’s normal practice of really trying to, you know, improve society basically, you know, really serve our local people. And so I did that as best as I could. And I was kind of out of, like, my sense of responsibility and desire to help. And then the jiu jitsu, I started the jiu jitsu school, partly because I wanted that to help everyone else, but also because jiu jitsu was such a empowering and wonderful activity for me. It’s kind of like my, it became my self care and my, way of functioning as just like a traditional martial artist. I really believe in that lifestyle because it just did so much for me. Confidence wise, social wise, learning about how the world works, learning about how to overcome various physical and mental challenges. And so I wanted that to be a part of my life. So I started that kind of as a side hobby. Well, very much a side hobby. I was hoping it, I wasn’t sure how it would go because it’s a small town. It’s a little hard to earn a living.
Tom: 8:43
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 8:43
Doing more running a martial arts school, especially with the divided attention I found over the ensuing like 10 years. And that’s where it got into that. Like I said, in the beginning, my primary focus was on keeping jiu jitsu in my life and offering it to others because it was just so important to me. It’s really changed my life. It’s really wonderful. And then also doing my psychology the jiu jitsu school. Just never made much money and I didn’t or it lost and I thought I’d make money in psychology and then pay into the to keep them going because I just couldn’t imagine not doing either one of them. I can’t imagine not having the school because it’s such a central part of my life and I love to seeing how it improves other people’s lives. It’s really exciting people get so into jiu jitsu and it just builds them stronger. You can see them over the year or two transformation I believe in the value of that. So I can’t let it die. So I had to keep that going. And then you know, at, for the first 10 years I worked at a clinic. And so that was made the business side psychology stuff rather easy at first. But that also when you’re working for somebody that has its limitations. And so I went out on my, and when I went out on my own is when I started realizing I really need to figure out these business side of things better.
Tom: 9:47
What’s the biggest struggle or the biggest lesson that you had to learn when you went out on your own?
Ernest Ellender: 9:51
You know what, I was always used to putting in ridiculous hours. I’m used to work. I studied all, you know, studied like crazy in grad school. You know, you got to like study 80 hours. I mean, it’s insane level workload. I’m used to that. That’s no, no problem. It was that after I’d been in business with a local bank for like, not a local, what do you call it? Big time bank, but they have their outlets here. Yeah, and I had a business with him for like eight or nine years and we were moving locations and I needed a loan of about 40,000 dollars. And in a business world that’s not much to start to to move. And we had eight years worth of showing our profits increasing and showing our growth. And they ate your relationship. And they, when I came to, they said you’re not even close to having the collateral for us to loan you that much money. And I realized, yes, I realized like, man, I’m doing something wrong. I’m 40 years old and the bank won’t loan me a little bit of my business. So, about 10 years ago in my early forties, I started to focus on that second, that secondary focus on making sure I’m compensated. And in that process, it was somewhere around there after I’d been really out there grinding. 10 years serving the community and realizing I just didn’t have the money in the bank to go with it. It started to get a little bit of that burnout, a little bit of that just worn down and you don’t have these goals, these things that reward you and that make you excited. Like I love traveling. I love doing things like that and just but if you don’t have the funds to do that, you don’t have the funds spend on yourself and your self care and your leisure activities that keep you energized for the job. Then your job starts to suffer. So my job started to suffer because I just wasn’t I just feel so often feel so bad for people. I don’t want to charge them. It’s not that I don’t think the value is there. I know what the black belt is worth to me. I know what the PhD is worth to me. I’ve seen what it does for people, the knowledge. I, it changes lives. It saves lives. People kind of told me those things repeatedly and it’s really wonderful. I know the value of it, but I also still feel bad for them not having enough to pay for things. And it annoys me that the system is such that you have to have money to be able to consult professionals, you know? And I, I just struggled with that side of it. And like I say, while paul preparing for this podcast, I did a I binge watched a number of your podcasts. I really enjoyed that one with that chiropractor. Dr. was it,
Tom: 11:50
Oh, Sasha.
Ernest Ellender: 11:50
So he fantastic.
Tom: 11:52
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 11:52
But then also. Started reading your book. I’m halfway through your book. And I tell you, that would have been, I really could have used that information 20 years ago. And actually, no, I like 30 years ago, when I was in college, I think that would have been a wonderful time to be introduced to that. Because in college is when I was so gung ho, all or nothing into this, wow, I want to do, get the highest level of how can I serve the population the best of my ability. And I really appreciated in your book that the heart-led, like, focus, that, that concept of creating relationships in which you solve problems, okay? Well, when you put it like that, then I don’t feel bad about it because I love creating relationships in which I solve all these people’s problems. Like you talk about in the book, I identify with a lot in there. I was like, wow, okay, this guy wrote this book for me. Because you talk about you know, in the wellness industry and where caregivers are other person focused, they’re kind of people pleasers, and they are very empathic. All those things I identified with. So to be able to focus on this is how we create the most lasting relationships by creating this, you know, to a mutually truly really beneficial contract. That’s where we get our best outcome. That, that, I could have used, integrated that into my to kind of dispel some of those old myths of Salespeople are meant to trick you, you know? And I’ve heard a lot of the concepts, but not in such a consistent and holistic fashion. And so, like I said, I just, when we were growing up, we just, we talked about the serving people, but not about the business side. It was kind of considered poor farm to talk about money and how much you make. You know, we’re supposed give without asking for, give, you know, to give and not count the cost, not ask for things in return.
Tom: 13:18
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 13:19
But in my psychology we, we learn like a, you give things away, it doesn’t work well. It’s not a good system. We you, we learn how to engage in mutually beneficial relationships. That is what works best. And when we teach other people how to engage successfully in mutually beneficial relationships, everybody wins.
Tom: 13:38
Everybody. Yeah. So how did you reconcile that in terms of building the business, both the martial arts studio, as well as your practice and that in the whole, you know, I have to sell to get new clients. How did you reconcile that?
Ernest Ellender: 13:50
My first introduction to the sales process that improved things a lot was about maybe 10 or 11 years ago. A good friend of mine Brian McLaughlin up in in New York. He has an awesome martial arts school. And he invited me to this three day convention on, just understanding some of the business sides of martial arts. And we sat in there and this auditorium and the guy, it was like 400 people in the audience said, how many all are brown or black belts? And you know, the majority of people raised their hand and said, okay, how many of y’all would give up your black belt in exchange for 50, 000 dollars. But you have to give up all the friends that you met, all the experiences that you had, all the knowledge that you’ve developed from it and no one raised their hand like, no, I’m not giving that away for 50,000 dollars. And he’s like, how about a hundred? How about a million? At the time I’d spent, you know, 10 or like 12 years training obsessively in and it was just such a central part of my life as is now, you know, I’m not going to give that up for a million and now not my friends, the person sitting next to me now. Yeah he said, you understand the value of that? And that kind of sunk in like, Oh, this is what what, this is what we’re offering other people. This is what we’re offering people. Something that I wouldn’t give up for a million dollars. And we’re offering it for, whatever it is, 130, 140 dollars a month. That helped a lot. But then after that came the skill of learning the, just the techniques. And that’s, you have to learn the techniques. You have to learn how to help people solve their problem. You have to learn how to motivate people. You know, once you see, you don’t, once we cease to see selling as a trick. And more as a way of encouraging people to achieve their goals.
Tom: 15:12
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 15:12
If you’re trying to sell somebody they don’t need and it’s not going to help them, well now you’re just tricking them, yeah. But if you’re selling something that you can see, that you know in your professional opinion will benefit their life significantly, well now we’re doing the thing that I wouldn’t give up for a million dollars, you know, we’re selling that thing to people.
Tom: 15:26
That’s a great analogy. And then for that speaker to go through, would you give it up for, you know, 5,000 or a million? That’s yeah. That tells a lot about the individuals in that audience in terms of how deeply they want to help other people or deep that the craft is within them. I probably wouldn’t give up, you know, what I do for, know, a million dollars. I’d like to earn that over and yeah, not give it up.
Ernest Ellender: 15:50
That’s right, and hopefully, I mean, with your book and with this show, I hope you do earn a million, and then I hope you earn another million, and then I hope you earn another million by helping so many people in such a low, and what I’ve enjoyed about this and the reason for writing the book is To scratch that itch of my frustration of not having low cost access to help, to assistance, to educational insights. So that’s what I said, I want what I’ve learned and what I’ve come up with to be offered to people in as low cost as possible. So I finally published a book, my book in March of this year. And once I get things regulated, I’m sure as you know, once you write the book, it doesn’t sell itself, so you have to learn book marketing. So I’m just learning that, but I’m kind of over the hump and starting to stabilize. And so my next project is to do a YouTube channel. I’m not so much podcaster, I’d like to do a YouTube channel in an instructional fashion that kind of gives away all the stuff for free. As far as understanding the insights offered in the book. So there’s 20 rules. I’d like to do 20 videos on it so that people can benefit that for free. And then the next step, well, let me go ahead and buy the book. So I can use it as a reference and that’s low cost. And then once they read it, hopefully if they have their means and they understand, they want some help with applying those concepts to their life and in a higher level, in a more advanced fashion, then they can hire me as a life coach. Very much your same model that I think is just wonderful. People have access to your podcast on YouTube for free. They can just
Tom: 17:11
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 17:11
hear these things, have access to all these professionals, learn how do we feel harmonious with both helping people and being compensated for that.
Tom: 17:20
Yeah.
Ernest Ellender: 17:20
I started getting that burnout and it’s not good to get that burnout because then you can’t help as many people. You cannot fake.
Tom: 17:26
There’s a really cool book. It’s called”The Go Giver” by Bob Berg and the whole, the go giver. And the whole premise of that is you’re giving without the desire for a return, but in the attempts of helping other people, but also that it’ll come back to you tenfold, even though you don’t expect it. A lot of times, all that giving, it does two things. One, it shows credibility, one, that you know what you’re talking about, and that, know, people like to get things for free. And as we both know, and everybody else can testify to as well, is that you get something for free, you watch a video, you read a book, 9 times out of 10, people aren’t going to do anything with it without that accountability and actually having somebody hold them accountable to take action on what they learn. So it’s people always, I used to give out when I had my fitness center, I gave out exercise routines left and right. And the other trainers were like, Tom, why are you giving out all these routines? Like, that’s your secret sauce. I’m like, that’s not my secret sauce. Like I’m my secret sauce. And I know nobody’s going to use them anyway, but they’re going to appreciate it. And the time’s right, they’re going to come to me for that guidance and support.
Ernest Ellender: 18:31
Yes. Yeah. A lot of people will see those concepts laid out in print and say, that’s a great idea. And as they go to integrate it into their life it’s just really difficult to understand precisely how to execute it and when.
Tom: 18:42
Tell us something about your book.
Ernest Ellender: 18:43
Oh let’s see my book. There we go. It’s called,
Tom: 18:45
See it right there.
Ernest Ellender: 18:46
This is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods, A Practical Guide for Healing Past Intergenerational Stress and Trauma”, so that’s, yeah, that’s my book.
Tom: 18:53
That will be flying off the shelves.
Ernest Ellender: 18:55
When it comes to intergenerational trauma, we talk about trauma that your grandparents experienced. You are genetically inheriting some of that material, as well as you are in an environment that is repeating the cycles of that. It’s like my grandfather was raised in the Great Depression. I mean, he lived through that, so he raised a bunch of kids in the Great Depression. So my parents were parents who were raised in the Great Depression, and therefore, they essentially grew up with that scarcity mindset, where, you know, resources are limited. Be very tight, you know, and it’s a, it’s kind of a fear based mentality and so it’s, it, you know, that’s a survivalistic way of doing things. So it’s just one example of just hundreds and hundreds of cycles and habits and ideas and things that are handed down generation to generation and a lot of times those can go really outside, really can go really outside of healthy behaviors. You know, we talk about going down the bayou in isolated areas and even right in the middle of the cities. It’s just these environments that invite or maintain tremendous amounts of trauma. And when I saw my clients would come in with just insane amounts of trauma, and so, that was what drove me to want to drew me to that topic, and then once I had a curriculum for it that I really believe in, that I that speaks to all the different variables that are important to address in that environment, I put it into my book. At that point, you know, serving an individual after individual with this curriculum that is pretty polished after 10 years, I really want to offer that curriculum to more people. I keep doing it one at a time, it’s just I feel like I could be helping so many more people and that’s what I want. I want to help so many more people And so the book is it’s you know, so so so new. It’s really fun to be right on that edge of now being able to offer it to more people It’s really exciting.
Tom: 20:34
So, how can people can get ahold of you and learn more about your program and your book?
Ernest Ellender: 20:39
They can read a little bit more about my book at healfromchildhood. com that’s just from my, or they can find it in the Amazon bookstore. Under This Is How We Heal From Painful Childhoods. And then also my life coaching services are at ernestellenderphd.com. So, it is a lot of complex topics, and I did not a lot of times people kinda, I find with a lot of self help books there’s a lot of general, a lot of awesome encouragement and supportive statements and affirmations type of things and then there’s the nuts and bolts of yep, How do I? change some of these things and this book is a very kind of like a technical training manual, 20 rules that help you put it into rules because that’s a little easier for people to learn, don’t do this. You know, it’s a, when memorize the rules, we’ll see those situations come up daily in life. Every day, these things come up repeatedly. And so, there’s 20 of these rules. And because it’s so technical, definitely can, it can be difficult to apply on one’s own. So if they have their own therapist, fantastic. Read the book and then, let them help you apply those concepts. Or life coach, I do the virtual online coaching as well as in person.
Tom: 21:40
Awesome. Well, this was just a fascinating conversation. We could go on and on, I think for a long time. But you know, the time has gone so, so quickly. So thank you so much, Ernest, for sharing your wisdom and your journey from, you know, having the business and learning more about business and being successful in terms of writing your book as well. So congratulations on that.
Ernest Ellender: 22:00
Thank you. for having me on the show and for enabling me to offer my services, my book to more people and thank you for doing what you do, A, for the book you wrote and B, for this podcast that does encourage the people who are heart-led to learn how to technically balance those things for maximum productivity. Those are the people I want to be the most productive people in the world.
Tom: 22:20
Yeah, because the more heart-led people we have in the world that are, they’re making a profit. They’re thriving. The more people that are going to be helped, which is just going to make everybody so much better.
Ernest Ellender: 22:30
Thank you for that resource of this awesome podcast.
Tom: 22:32
You’re very welcome. And thank you for being here. And thank you listeners for watching the show today and or listening to the show, depending on what platform you’re on. I really appreciate it. I know Ernest definitely appreciates it as well. Make sure you’re checking out everything that he’s doing in the show notes. We’re going to link up his book, his website, along with the other resources that he shared as well. So make sure you check that out and consider working with him as you might be struggling with some generational trauma in your life and I think most families probably have some of that in them. And until next time, lead with your heart.
Speaker 2: 23:05
You’ve been listening to the heart-led Business Show, hosted by Tom Jackobs. Join us next time for another inspiring journey into the heart of business.
